Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Body by Oreos
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.