what’s the point then??
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”