“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered