My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
You Might Also Like
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!