Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.