My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.