My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Whoa 😂
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…