In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
choose your fighter
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!