I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Sticker placement is key.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Pot warmers of the day.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
They got a point!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”