I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest