You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.