#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate