Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me when my alarm goes off
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.