”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
They say women only use 10% of their anger
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.