dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
very niche meme I made
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Mmmm canned fish.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”