Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.