For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I have a place for everything. The floor.