🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Not today. 😅
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time