My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Only short people can save us
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.