When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
181.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I can’t stop laughing at this
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig