I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
emergency phone