I can’t stop watching this.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
How all things should be taught/explained.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes