I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
fr
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun