him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
thinking about a very short hotdog
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?