Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.