*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
channeling her this year
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.