WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????