Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Damn what did I do next
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.