Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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Oh boy, $150,000!
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Weirdos gonna weird.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.