Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.