Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”