[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know