We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
🤣🤣
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*