[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Breaking news:
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Beauty and the Beast
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.