I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The USS B port
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample