People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.