You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire