*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Netflix and you sit over there.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Finally!
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”