A French press is when you hug naked
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.