Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
You Might Also Like
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
@ candidates for local office
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
water it, i dare you
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”