In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.