Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
What an awful time to have common sense.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Is….Is this an option?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.