Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
omg leave her alone
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”