cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.