Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
okay run it by me one more time
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*