INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed