COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”