I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad