“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
also my go-to takeaway order
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Breaking news:
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
More like Kate Missington.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it