Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
what could possibly go wrong?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex